2026
What shall we all do about everything? (Survey results)
Whew! What a year it has been. At the beginning of this year, callingcard had 33 subscribers. By the summer, we were at a whopping 67 — then I slagged off Oasis and, genuinely, about 4 people unsubscribed. I honestly didn’t think it would be that controversial to say Oasis give EDL vibes. Then last month, the 80th person subscribed to callingcard! Then somebody unsubscribed, and we were back at 79. Then a new person subscribed! But then somebody else had enough and now we are back at 79 again. So this is basically just a small taste of the kind of rollercoaster of emotions I, and many others, have experienced in the course of this year.
Anyway, what shall we do? About everything that has happened, and everything that will happen? In an attempt to figure out the answer to this tricky question, I created the Callingcard 2025 Survey, in which I asked respondents to reflect on 2025 and make their predictions for 2026. Before we start I will just say: thank you to everyone who completed the survey, it has been delightful to go through the answers. And thank you to anyone who read callingcard in 2025. You have given me all a writer could ever want: attention. (And if you are not subscribed, please now do so thank you very much). I now present the survey results below, along with my own answers.
#1: WOMEN BE SHOPPING
I wish my answer to this was ‘spending more money than I could afford on those shoes I love’. I did buy two pairs of shoes this year, but both were very reasonably priced. I also just refused to buy a coat full price from COS, and instead waited for it to go on sale — a move which has caused me significant mental anguish, because now it is on sale but it’s out of stock and COS just keep playing these sick and twisted mind games with me. Probably the one of these that most applies to me, then, is ‘being mean to that person who really deserved it’, but I pretty much always do that, regardless of the year. To those of you who have gardened or committed an act of civil disobedience: I salute you.
#2: WOW, EVERYONE IS SO GUILTY
An interesting split here, between knowing youthful memes and being too nice at work. For me, it’s being depressed all year round but in the winter insisting ‘I think I have seasonal affective disorder’. Although, I actually don’t think I was depressed all year round this year! For example, I enjoyed the summer for the first time in probably four or five years. I personally don’t foster toxic dynamics with people in front or behind me in supermarket queues; we exist in perfect community and harmony.
#3: WHAT DO WE WANT? MORE ILLEGAL IMMIGRANTS. WHEN DO WE WANT THEM? NOW.
Unsurprisingly, my friends/callingcard readership are overwhelmingly pro-immigration (at least, the ones who stuck around after my Oasis hate-piece are). I think those people who admitted to struggling with their feelings of jealousy for Dua Lipa are practicing radical honesty in a way that is admirable. For my part, I did earnestly care about the Geese album (I’m a 23 year old who has been charmed by Cameron Winter! Sue me!) and I only went to the cinema once, but that’s just because there isn’t a cinema within a 20 mile radius of where I live. I’m not jealous of Dua Lipa, I think the joy and perfection of her life is a win for all womankind. So my own answer concurs with the majority.
#4: THE PERSON OF THE YEAR
A selection of people’s answers as to who their person of the year was in 2025:
Lily Allen (x2)
Cameron Winter
Timmy Tim Chalamet
‘Myself because am mint’ (from Neive) and ‘Me. I dragged myself through, you know?’ (from Yumn)
Zohran Mamdani (x2)
Dan and Phil
All of KATSEYE
[My cousin put her baby nephew, which I thought was sweet]
Marty Supreme (x2)
CMAT
All of these people have had an undeniably phenomenal year. But the answer is obviously Zohran Mamdani.
#5: NO MORE BOYFRIENDS
Yesterday I explained the ‘boysober’ movement to my mother, and she accused me of starting it via several anonymous Instagram accounts — like I’m a Russian bot but the propaganda I’m spreading is that you would be happier without a boyfriend/husband. And, honestly, touché, mama. On another note, I don’t like the shoes that look like fishing nets, and there is no way the coats with built-in scarves are popular long-term. At some point you’re gonna think: God, I wish I could take this effing scarf off my shoulders. But you won’t be able to. Because it’s attached to your coat. It’s difficult to know how things are going to go for Mamdani. So, once again, I concur with the majority! (And not because I started the boysober movement. Nobody can prove that.)
#6: THE MOST SANITY-INDUCING THING
In response to the question ‘what kept you sane in 2025?’, people answered:
Lemon and lime vape
Weekdays and then Weekends … I love structure …
My Sony WH-1000XM4 Noise Cancelling Wireless Bluetooth NFC High Resolution Audio Over-Ear Headphones with Mic/Remote (not AD) and £2.50 pints at The Scholar (AD)
Sane? Looool
Fiona Apple
Being publicly in love with my girlfriend (cringe)
My housemates
The fact i was in china and if i ever looked ugly no-one would care because i was a white girl
My friends.
Audrey Hobert’s Who’s the Clown? album
Ray of light by Madonna music video . It’s an advert for life itself
Guardian Culture section
Going abroad
Having a routine
Antidepressants
Nia Large? Feta cheese?
I liked all of these answers. Nia, if you’re reading this: hiiiiiiiii!!!! My own answer to this question is: Allah mian (just in case you forgot, I am Muslim and Pakistani). But coming in at a close second is my friend Isobel’s answer: Audrey Hobert’s album Who’s the Clown? This year, Audrey Hobert was my most listened to artist, Who’s the Clown? was my most listened to album, and the lead single ‘Sue Me’ was my most listened to song. I seriously can’t remember the last time I had so much fun listening to an album, or felt so excited about a new artist. Special shoutout to the lyric “I like it the best when I’m losing, baby” on ‘Shooting Star’. In the words of Lily Allen: “what a line!”
#7: LET’S GIVE UP
In response to the question ‘what resolution did you give up in 2025?’, people answered:
Writing in my diary every day. I do not have that much to say.
staying off instagram reels
i did not wear enough blue, i always end up wearing red even though i think blue is always right for me and red is only sometimes right. + gave some compliments to strangers but nowhere near enough.
To only eat when I’m hungry not when I’m bored.
I think I was too excited about eating grapes to make any resolutions, but they would have definitely involved learning to drive and not talking to my ex. Both failed.
Drinking enough water.
Write more
waking up early every day
Gym
Gardening
Doing exercise regularly it is not happening
Learning how to make my hair not look frizzy
Running more 10ks
Not drunk enough negronis
Portion control
Speaking more Spanish
Bold to assume i made resolutions, i entered the year like a spartan
Okay… okay. There’s some classic abandoned-resolutions here: more exercise, less social media, a general sense of control and management. Delusional!!! But it’s okay. If you are one of the people who had a food-related resolution, please know: DIETS ARE NOT REAL AND THEY ARE DESIGNED TO DRIVE YOU INSANE. Eat your food, live your life. If you are the person who wanted to wake up early every day, I’m curious to know: did you really believe that would happen? Or were you sort of laughing to yourself as you wrote it down?
#8: LET’S KEEP GOING
In response to the question ‘what resolution did you keep in 2025?’, people answered:
Prioritizing creativity
Going to the cinema
I went back to gym in Q4
Being active :)
Crying more
Read some books
I ran two 10ks
To stop caring as much about having frizzy hair (ongoing resolution for 2026)
None!
Finished a manuscript draft
Genuinely nothing
Staying sane in term 2 of uni
no hangovers so bad i can’t move!
Running and journaling.
Something about yolo being my motto. It’s always my motto.
Made all my doctors appointments on my own!
no babies
developing taste (writing mini reviews of everything i read in my notebook and NOT posting it publicly = meaning i can live my hater truth)
No more Instagram!!!
Reading more books on the tube
Wow, look at you all go! You are all so active, well-read, hardworking and childless! If you are one of the people who didn’t stick to your resolutions and are feeling bad right now, DON’T. I actually didn’t keep my resolutions to such a massive extent that I have given up entirely on resolutions as a concept.
#9: 2025 IN PHOTOS
Here are my favourite responses to the prompt: ‘Pick a photo from your camera roll that summates your feelings for 2025.’ (People shared some really cute photos of themselves and their friends, but I haven’t included them — unless I explicitly asked permission — because I didn’t want to share photos of people, to callingcard’s massive and devious readership, without their consent. Lol).
The following two photos are my favourite submissions:
#10: CAN WE FIX IT? MAYBE WE CAN
Now we move on to the questions that look to the future. Apparently everyone wants to start a Substack. I would highly recommend doing so — look how much fun I’m having! I don’t know why the ‘canvassing for woke candidate in 2026 May by-elections’ vote got split on the chart; anyway, that would probably be my own answer. I don’t have a boyfriend but if I did, I’m sure I would have a blast dumping him. Nor do I have a fringe, but if I did, I’d keep it.
#11: LET’S GIVE UP AGAIN
In response to the question ‘What is something you will try to give up, but ultimately return to, in 2026?’, people answered:
My lemon and lime vape :/
My ex situationship
Buying a $20 ThisBowl for lunch
Angst
Picking at my split ends
To talk less
SOCIAL MEDIA
Hating substack
Cigarettes
Listening to Sufjan Stevens/Bon Iver/Ethel Cain as soon as I wake up
Watching too much TikTok
skipping lectures
Complaining.
Pretending to be from County Meath when I’m drunk. In the words of the hot lawyer from fleabag series 2, I’m really good at it.
Stop apologising for everything even if its not my fault.
i actually have no intention of growing out my fringe as i think it would make things worse for everyone. but i sense i might resist and then return to having a bob
rolling my eyes
living at home
the paid tier of my astrology app
Buying the little Alpro yogurts with fruit compote at the bottom because they are £1.25 on clubcard and a big tub is only £1.50
Little salmon poke bowls and calling my colleagues baby girl
A couple of these really worry me. But the rest I think are funny.
#12: BE KIND
Mine is probably my elderly neighbour. I’m already pretty kind to myself and my mother. Almost everyone is totally devoid of goodwill for the Kardashian-Jenners, apparently.
#13: BOOKWORMS
What I learned from this question is that everyone is just desperate to read, point blank period.
#14: THE WORD OF THE YEAR
My favourite responses to the prompt ‘The Oxford word of the year for 2025 was 'ragebait’. Predict the word of the year for 2026’ were:
Slop
Nationalism
I don’t know any words
Enshittification
deshittification (I am remaining hopeful)
yolo
i don’t know. maybe fat ?
mimeography
Compounding
Lovebait
Lots of people suggested phrases, but that wasn’t quite the prompt, was it, darling?
#15: 2026 FASHION PREDICTIONS
People mostly voted for Frazzled English Cowboy aesthetic, something I entirely made up and have no idea if it will actually transpire. It would be really useful to me if moustaches for women became fashionable, but probably if they did it would only be for white women and brown women with moustaches would actually be publicly executed, or something. I’m voting for inflatable dresses and shoes, because I love an underdog.
#16: PRINCE HARRY IS BALD
The overwhelming winner for this one was: ‘Divorce rumours about Meghan Markle and Prince Harry that are ultimately proved untrue but provide a useful distraction from Prince Harry very obviously getting hair plugs and a facelift’. Only one person voted for Matty Healy and Taylor Swift getting back together (hi Iris!), which I actually think will happen one day, but not until 2029 at the earliest. Olivia Dean should be allowed to assault anyone she wants. I’m voting for Alexa Chung committing tax fraud — no disrespect though, I love that diva.
#17: NOBODY WANTS TO WATCH LORD OF THE RINGS AGAIN
If they tried to remake The Godfather with Paul Mescal I would have to do something drastic, like go on hunger strike until they promised to call it off. I think Jacob Elordi would probably kill it as Shrek. I’m voting for LOTR, because of the underdog thing.
#18: THERE IS NO HOPE FOR WOMEN
I actually think we are really close to the invention of the handlift. Like, it’s a matter of months away. That one has my vote.
#19: ZAYN MALIK REIGNS SUPREME
People mostly voted for Zayn, because that is the correct answer, and some for Liam, obviously out of respect for the deceased, and then the Niall ones were just playing a total wildcard. Louis and Harry tied last with one vote each!
#20: MEET MY BEAUTIFUL DAUGHTER, PINKPANTHERESS
Even though I love PinkPantheress, I would vote for either Addison or Tyla here. I don’t know why. But I just have to follow my heart.
#21: MEET MY BEAUTIFUL AUDREY HEPBURN, PLAYED BY ARIANA GRANDE
I think the most likely one is Audrey Hepburn, and obviously they will cast Ariana Grande to play her. But I honestly think an Angryginge biopic, if directed by the right person, could be brilliant.
#22: WE GOIN’ TO ISLAM?
I put this question in because, when I thought of it, it made me laugh and laugh. But I was shocked by how many people are seemingly open to the idea of converting. I think you guys are just too English, and you think it would be rude to say ‘no’ outright. But it wouldn’t be, it’s okay. Although, if you are thinking about converting, I couldn’t recommend it enough. Now please repeat after me, ‘La ila ha illa Allah…’
#23: RADICAL OPTIMISM
I actually think it was wrong of me to pose these as though they are mutually exclusive. You can be both! My vote is for being more critical, but hopefully I will be optimistic, too.
#24: 2026 IN PHOTOS
#25: AND FINALLY:
Your most sincere resolutions for 2026. Like I said, I’m not doing resolutions this year, but if I was it would probably just be something boring like ‘read a non-fiction book all the way through.’ Oh, and stop carrying loose pills in my pockets. But copying all of your resolutions out (below) was honestly quite moving. They’re really lovely. Here they are:
To make sure everyone that i love knows and feels this irrefutably
To run the NYC Marathon :)
Just try my best
Grow back my hair
less screen time
Prioritise writing and also stop being afraid of being upside down
Stay lit! Get rich!
I would like to have kinder thoughts about strangers on the tube.
Watch the sunset more
read more non-academic books
TO GRADUATE
stop getting road rage while walking… other people need to get places too
To give more than I take. To also set a jin on Nigel Farage.
To get rid of my verruca colony on my left foot
Say yes more.
MUST MAKE OWN CLOTHES
Keep a scrapbook again uwu
take full advantage of tower hamlets’ free swimming offer for women + possibly also attend an aqua aerobics class w lots of old dears
Try to engage with the real world and beautiful small animals more and try to know less about twitter discourse
Call my mum more
Peaceful weekends and be nice to my friends (no stress allowed)
Good luck, everyone.
god, noore! everytime i read your stuff i have so much fun and it makes me giggle. thank u for ur service 🫡